Sunday, August 31, 2008

Silver Lining

So, it used to drive me nuts when people would ask me when I was getting married. (They have stopped asking now—I think they get the hint that the answer hasn't changed.) I always thought that my being single gave me superior rights to complain about rude questions regarding my life path.

And then tonight I sat by and listened as someone pointed out to my friends who have been married all of three weeks that they were in the perfect position to start a family.

I know, it was bad of me, but I couldn't help but chuckle. Seriously? Three weeks in and you think they should start a family? Guess I don't have it so bad, after all.

Friday, August 29, 2008

My Thoughts On McCain's VP Pick

When I first saw that McCain picked a woman to be his vice president, I do have to admit that my immediately reaction was to be pleased. Because now, no matter who wins, history will be made.

And then I learned a little more about Sarah Palin.

Regardless of her views on abortion, which are atrocious, what upsets me the most about this nomination is that she didn't have the insight to decline.

This whole thing reminds me strongly of the Harriet Miers Supreme Court debacle. You know, when a woman was put up for a major position and she happened to be completely unqualified? When people were so outraged by her complete lack of qualifications that her nomination was withdrawn?

Governor Palin has been governor of the fourth least-populated state for less than two years. Before that she was the mayor of a town in Alaska with a population under 10,000. And she has actually admitted that she doesn't really have an opinion on Iraq.

I don't doubt that she's intelligent and a strong woman, but what I am worried about is what would happen if McCain got elected and then died. Does Palin really have, not just the experience, but the interest to be Commander-in-Chief? She doesn't have an opinion on Iraq! That's inexcusable! And if that happens the result will be that a woman will be President for the first time and will end up looking completely incapable. That doesn't make women look good. All it does is reinforce negative stereotypes about how women are unfit to lead.

So why didn't she decline? I don't believe for a second that there are no better qualified women in the Republican Party. And by better qualified I mean have more than two years experience in major politics. Why didn't she realize that the Republicans are using her?

But she didn't decline, and now we have to watch men refer to a woman who is governor of a state as a "beauty queen" and "VPILF" (for those of you that don't know, that's "Vice President I'd Like to Fuck." Disgusting? Yes.) She deserves to be taken seriously regardless of her qualifications to be President, guys.

I don't know, I just feel like in the end this will not move women forward. And that depresses me.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

There Are No Words

Sometimes you hear a song on the radio and you are literally rendered speechless (and not in a good way). Bucky, you've done that to me with "I'll Walk."

Monday, August 25, 2008


This is funny. All you need to do is look at the title.

Friday, August 22, 2008

More Olympics Stuff

Is anyone watching Rhythmic Gymnastics? Oh my holy God. Dancing around with ribbons, rope, batons, and a hula hoop is an Olympic sport? I mean, I knew this existed, but I guess I haven't seen it for a while because I could help but be amused while watching it today. Who in the hell devotes their life to dancing around with a hula hoop? And that is what it is. Dancing. Hell, if this makes it into the Olympics why isn't cheerleading a sport? Or just plain old dance? Ballet? What are the standards, IOC?


Does anyone else find this ironic?

Maybe, just maybe, part of the reason they have to struggle to be taken seriously as athletes is that when a piece is done on the skill required for their sport, MSNBC posts a picture of competitors' asses. Forget their faces. Asses will do.

(As a side note, if that ass only gets a three-star rating, I'd hate to see what mine would receive...)

My Life In Book Form

I don't know why I am so untrendy. I never seem to jump on bandwagons until they've passed. For instance, I only started reading Harry Potter last month. I use terms like "douchebag" long after they've fizzled out in popularity (or so I've been told). Usually I don't care. But I am wondering why I didn't read Bridget Jones's Diary before now. I love the movie so very very much, but I've never read the book until now.

Maybe it was fate for me to wait, though, because it is becoming abundantly clear that I am Bridget Jones, and our thoughts are as one.

Example One
Tom has a theory that homosexuals and single women in their thirties have natural bonding: both being accustomed to disappointing their parents and being treated as freaks by society.

I'm not quite in my thirties yet, but you can probably go down a decade in the conservative Christian denomination/community I grew up in. Lord knows I'm treated as a freak by them for being twenty-five and single.

Example Two
"Yes, why aren't you married yet, Bridget?" sneered Woney (babytalk for Fiona, married to Jeremy's friend Cosmo) with a thin veneer of concern whilst stroking her pregnant stomach.

Because I don't want to end up like you, you fat, boring, Sloaney milch cow, was what I should have said, or, Because if I had to cook Cosmo's dinner then get into the same bed as him just once, let alone every night, I'd tear off my own head and eat it, or, Because actually, Woney, underneath my clothes, my entire body is covered in scales.

Reminding myself that the thought of climbing into bed with most of the men my acquaintances have married induces severe nausea is the only thing I can do to dull the pain, sometimes.

Example Three
Then I got into a taxi and burst into tears.

Midnight. Har Har. Just called Sharon.
"You should have said 'I'm not married because I'm a
Singleton, you smug, prematurely aging, narrow-minded morons,' " Shazzer ranted. " 'And because there's more than one bloody way to live: one in four households are single, most of the royal family are single, the nation's young men have been proved by surveys to be completely unmarriageable, and as a result there's a whole generation of single girls like me with their own incomes and homes who have lots of fun and don't need to wash anyone else's socks. We'd be as happy as larks if people like you didn't conspire to make us feel stupid just because you're jealous.' "

Bridget goes home from dinner parties full of Smug Married Couples and cries from abject misery. I go home from weddings full of Smug Married Couples and cry from abject misery. We are as one, it seems. But I also have a bit of Shazzer in me, apparently, because I too tell myself again and again that everyone else is jealous of me because I haven't legally bound myself to a loser, and that's why they conspire to make me feel stupid.

Or maybe it's this:
Example Four
"How's your love life?"

Oh no. Why do they do this? Why? Maybe the Smug Marrieds only mix with other Smug Marrieds and don't know how to relate to individuals anymore.

And that, ladies and gentleman, is the correct answer. Believe it or not, some of us don't want to get married. We only feel sad about not being married when the Smug Marrieds shove our Singleton status down our throats.

Oh, and young men have been proved to be completely unmarriageable. I think all you need to do is watch Knocked Up to see that.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Note To Self

Note to self:

-Go to store and buy latest issue of Men's Journal
-Stare at photos
-Console myself that one benefit of being practically the last single woman alive (an exaggeration, somewhat) is that I can fantasize about photo subjects guilt-free
-Ignore subtle homoeroticism

Country Music, Patriotism, and Songs About War

Okay, I probably should have stopped with my last post but I just remembered that I have another Carrie Underwood rant to do. Well, this one is aimed more at the current state of country music, but since Carrie is their darling and sings the song at issue, she's getting a big part of the blame.

Her new song Just a Dream makes we want to barf. I heard it for the first time today and could hardly believe it. Really? A song about an 18 year-old who goes to the church with something borrowed something blue not for her wedding but for her soldier fiancee's funeral? Are you freakin' kidding me?

Now before everyone assumes that I'm a cold-hearted bitch, let me just say this: it's not because the song is asinine and ridiculously sappy (even though it is, like most of her music); it's not because I'm an America-hating liberal (I'm not). It's that the way the country music industry exploits the war and military matters for its own commercial gain makes me sick to my stomach. And that's what I see this to be, because as sappy as it is, it has probably happened to many young women in this country. That's a terrible tragedy, but Carrie Underwood's making a buck off of it. Maybe the conversation went something like this: "Young men dying needlessly and leaving their fiancees behind to mourn for what could have been? Fantastic! Let's turn it into a song for an American demographic who is overwhelmingly pro-war! They are likely the ones with a loved one in the armed services, so let's play on their greatest fear to sell records! That's a brilliant idea!" Unfortunately it works because the targeted audience is too dumb to realize they're being exploited for their needless sacrifice.

I'm sure Carrie's been on a USO tour and all that, but still... this song just makes me really uncomfortable, mostly because it's only the latest in a long line of really bad, really terrible "patriotic" country songs that sprouted up after 9/11. (Think Courtesy of the Red White and Blue. Natalie Maines, you were dead on.) Alan Jackson's Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning is the only one I've ever heard that doesn't sound exploitative. But that's just my opinion.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Wag of the Finger, Carrie Underwood

This article about an article in which Carrie Underwood tells people that she doesn't know where she stands with Tony Romo (because he allegedly still calls her) makes me mad. One, because I hate Carrie Underwood's music with a passion that will never die, and a teeny bit of hate has spilled over to her herself, too. Or maybe it's more than a teeny bit. But second, I really like Jessica Simpson. I know, I know, I must be the only person in the universe who will admit to it but I do! I always have! Yes, she's ditzy at times but that didn't give stupid, arrogant Nick Lachey the right to make fun of her so much! And arguably her music isn't the greatest BUT NEITHER IS SHE WINNING GRAMMYS FOR IT like stupid Carrie is.

But the article also annoys me because it is in extremely bad taste for Carrie to reveal this, even if we assume that it's true. Romo is dating Jessica. And if there is one thing the press loves to do it is to ridicule Jessica Simpson and bring her down. I don't get it, because she seems like a perfectly nice person who never hurt anyone, but the press is mean. They will probably love any excuse to publish covers saying "Tony Cheats on Jess with Carrie!" and whatnot. So why would Carrie say this in public? It seems arrogant to me to tell the world that someone else's boyfriend is calling you and that you don't know where you stand with him, as if to say, "Yeah, he's with you now, but I'm so hot and amazing that he really wants to be with me." It could be true, but like I said, keep it to yourself, Carrie. You may have the country music industry so blinded by your good looks that they ignore your retarded lyrics, but that doesn't mean you're beyond all censure. Saying that you "don't know where you stand" with another woman's boyfriend is a major party foul. (Oh, yeah, and did you get Hillary Duff to pose for you on that Allure shoot? Seriously, I'm still not convinced that's not the Duffster on the cover.)

I will say it again—that was in bad taste. Clearly Ms. Underwood's undeserved superstardom has gone to her head.

Dream Big

I have a feeling that I have the Olympics and Michael Phelps to thank/blame for the unusually high amount of people at the pool where I've been swimming all summer. Usually there are five to six of us in the six lane pool. Today at one point there was eight, maybe nine. Considering that I was one of the first four people in the pool, I don't know why the fat old lady next to me kept shooting me dirty looks.


I like how the idiot author of this article (which I am assuming is a man) thinks it's funny to insinuate that female swimming fans will not like Michael Phelps anymore because he says he has a hard time keeping weight on.

There's no surer way to turn new female fans into former female fans than by complaining about how hard it is to keep on weight.

Oh wait, nevermind, I don't like it.

Are you retarded, Chris Chase? Do you really think that women are so stupid that we would complain about it being unfair that a man who trains thirty (30) hours a week can't keep some extra bulk on his body? WTF? I think there are a hell of a lot of people, women included, who would have a hard time keeping weight on if they were one of the hardest working athletes in the world. And guess what? Women are plenty intelligent enough to figure that out.

Stupid ass man.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Great Minds Think Alike

A million thank-yous to the Fug Girls for saying exactly what I've been thinking about Raising the Bar every single time I see a commercial for it during a Law & Order marathon.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Tuesday, August 5, 2008


This news-story is so bizarre it hardly seems real. On a bus in Canada a man takes out a knife, stabs a passenger, cuts his head off, and starts eating his body! All while on the bus!

And the victim was a carney!

And he's being charged with second-degree murder? I don't know how things roll in Canada, but cutting off a head and eating it seems pretty willful and deliberate to me. And we all know that a mere moment is sufficient premeditation, right?

In Defense of Crocs

For the life of me, I will never, never understand the illogical and irrational hatred people have of Crocs. For the love of God, they are just shoes! What is the big deal? So what if they're ugly? Are they really more offensive-looking than fat girls in short shorts and belly tees? No! There are way uglier fashion choices being made everyday

But it's not just about the strange obsession Croc-haters have. It's also about their extreme rudeness and their belief that it is socially acceptable to be so rude, just because we're talking about Crocs. I would never dream of coming up to someone and telling them that I hate their shoes, unsolicited.

All you Croc-haters out there, does it make you feel special, make you feel like you're a better person to rant on and on about a pair of silly shoes? Do you think you're better than the rest of us that like bright colors and comfy soles on a summer day? NEWSFLASH--your fixation on hating the shoes makes you weirder than those of us who wear them anyway.

Also, don't you think that we know you hate them? Lord knows enough people have let me know to my face that they do. And that's why every time I put them on I smile a little to myself, knowing that somewhere, a douchebag who sees me is going to go nuts.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Do Babies Make You Uncoordinated?

You know, all this press coverage about Dara Torres and her success at the Olympic trials has been bugging me for a while. Why? Mostly because they keep saying things like, "She's a 41 year-old mother! A mother!"

What exactly does her role as a mother have to do with anything? I thought for a while that it could be people are surprised that she can put in so much training when she has kids, but couldn't the same be said for all the professional athletes out there that are fathers? But you never hear anyone say, "And he's a father!" like that makes a male athlete's accomplishments all the more amazing. Now Newsweek has a whole piece on Olympic athletes that are mothers.

I'm not going to pretend to be so dense that I don't know that pregnancy affects a woman's body, but come on, it's not really that big of a deal if everything goes right, is it? Especially when these women were world-class athletes before they had kids. I mean, it's not like they're competing in the Vaginal and Uterine Olympics, here.

I'm just so sick of hearing women described as "such-and-such and a mother." I can't figure out if such descriptions are unfairly patronizing or unfairly praising. All I know is that it annoys me. But maybe that's just because I don't think anyone should be defined by their relationship to another person. Women are more than just mothers. And mothers are more than just parents.

Is A Banner Really Necessary?


(P.S., I'm being sarcastic)