Saturday, February 28, 2009

It's Official

The new BBC version of "Sense and Sensibility" made me cry. I am now officially a spinster. (Although I do not have a cat, thanks goodness.)

In other news, I saw "Fired Up" tonight AND IT WAS AMAZING!!! I have not had such an enjoyable theatre experience since "She's the Man." Seriously though, it was so fun. Clever, quick, and the dark-haired guy is so darn cute. I literally cried with laughter at one point. In a stroke of cinematic genius the cheerleader campers watch, "Bring It On." A cheerleader movie that gives a nod to the greatest cheerleading movie, perhaps the greatest movie, of all time? PURE GOLD.

Friday, February 27, 2009

If I Were a Bitch...

...these would be my Facebook status updates.

"Litigious Mind doesn't give a shit about your kid's shit."

"Litigious Mind thinks that you're lame for packing a lunch for your grown man husband. Get a job and make him pack his own damn lunch."

"Litigious Minds wonders if matrimony and motherhood makes everyone boring, or if you're just special."

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

My List

It's nice to know that should I ever attend, say, the Oscars with my friend and her sister-in-law, we will not erupt into a bloody brawl over which male celebrities we want to, ahem, meet.

Sure, the men on their lists are lovely, but most of them do not bring out my baser instincts, if you know what I mean.

Although, if Daniel Craig is there ALL BETS ARE OFF. (I like to think I'd prevail because I don't have a pesky husband standing in my way.)

My own list:
1. Mike Rowe
2. Mike Rowe
3. Daniel Craig
4. Mike Rowe
5. Mike Rowe

Haha, just kidding.

1. Mike Rowe
2. Daniel Craig
3. Jon Hamm
4. Jason O'Mara
5. John Legend

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Full Confession

I cried a little when Heath Ledger won. I loved Heath! *sob*

Stupid Ads

Who exactly do the ABC execs think they are fooling when they describe their new show "Mommyhood" as "a
comedy we can all relate to"?

It's a show about mothers. That's in the title. By my mind, that instantly excludes fifty percent of the population. Sooo... I don't get this "we can all relate to" business. And not all women are mothers or ever want to be mothers.

Why are they going through all of this effort to make mothers feel included? As a single woman I can vouch that heterosexual married people pretty much set societal standards. So let's stop using false advertising lines in order to make the majority of women in this country/world feel included.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Bardin'

Ah, Shakespeare. Where "Don't tell me what to do" becomes "Prescribe not us our duties."

Awesome.

(Quote is from King Lear, BTW)

Anti-Dentites Unite

If ever there was a reason to join the ranks of the Anti-Dentites, this is it.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Boo Jay Leno (and Kevin Eubanks)

Did anyone watch The Tonight Show tonight? Ugh! I got so pissed!

First of all, Dennis Miller was the guest and he's so annoying and unfunny. Way to defend Gitmo by poking fun at Islam, idiot.

But anyway, what really got me mad was the segment between the monologue and Miller. Jay has done this segment before. He sends a camera to some event where people go to pitch their ideas for a show to television execs, has the people pitch their show, and then asks the audience to guess if it was sold or not.

Well tonight he had a woman who pitched a reality show about five fat women and five skinny women living in a house together and duking it out over what is appropriate to say about weight. Her inspiration was her annoyance with fat women coming up to her, telling her she's skinny and asking her size. She made the point that it would never be socially acceptable for her to go up to a fat woman and say, "You're fat, what size are you?"

So after the clip of her ends, Jay says something like, "You're not that skinny lady!" And Kevin laughs and says, "Skinny enough."

This woman was a perfectly normal size. Actually, she looked like she was in great shape. Very trim.

So where did Jay get off insinuating that she was too big to be called skinny. Does a woman have to be anorexic to find questions and comments about her small size rude? Clearly other people consider her skinny if they make a point to approach her to tell her so! I know some people think of "skinny" as being a beanpole, and this woman was not that, but the way Jay said "you're not that skinny" just sounded ridiculous given the woman's great figure.

But what about Kevin's "skinny enough?" How could that be anything but derogatory? Skinny enough for what, Kevin? For you to date? For you to screw? To have value as a human being?

God, that's annoying.

(Jay also made a joke about another man's obesity. Maybe he should just keep the weight comments to himself. Has Conan taken over yet?)

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Natural Selection At Work

Does anyone else wonder why, whenever there is a mauling by an exotic pet, the news shows get somebody to go on air to remind us that wild animals are wild?

Are they now going to remind us that humans can't breathe underwater whenever there's a drowning?

People that are stupid enough to keep wild animals as pets deserve what they get, in my opinion. Same goes for the people who visit them.

Amazing, My Ass

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the word "amazing" is used a little too liberally when referring to mothers.

I bring this up because Sarah Palin says that Bristol is an "amazing mom." And it seems like everytime a Hollywood starlet has a baby People Magazine will have her current co-star saying something about how she's an "amazing mom."

You know, Merriam Webster defines "amazing" as:

"Causing amazement, great wonder, or surprise."

Now, is it just me, or is caring for your child pretty run-of-the-mill? Is it really all that wonderous that mothers are
infatuated with their children? The mothers I know can't seem to update their Facebook status on anything other than their children. So I think it's safe to say that there are a whole lotta moms who dote on their kids.

So what makes Bristol Palin and all these celeb moms so "amazing"? Gimme a break. You can't call every mom who loves and cares for her baby "amazing." Society is "amazed" when moms don't care their kids. We are horrified by the slightest neglect, slightest selfishness, and demanding pageant moms. We're not awestruck by competent mothers. So stop calling them amazing. Doing what is expected, normal, and legally required is not "amazing."

Sunday, February 8, 2009

More

Forget waterboarding--listening to a live performance by Katy Perry is torture enough.


Natalie Cole looks gorgeous, but what the hell is she wearing?


I wonder if you can get M.I.A.'s outfit at Gap Maternity...


I hate women like Jennifer Nettles and the lady I saw at the coffee shop today who wear tights as pants and actually look good. If I tried that I'd resemble a sausage.


A call for a Cabinet position for the arts? Gimme a break! You know, Hillary won a GRAMMY for her book, too.

Thoughts on the GRAMMYs So Far

WTF? Carrie Underwood again? Look retards, "Last Name" is a screechfest. The LeeAnns, Rimes and Womack, showed amazingly beautiful voices on their nominated songs. This Carrie lovefest is getting out of control.


I like the Coldplay Sgt. Pepper jackets. Also, their drummer is awesome, and I feel bad that Chris Martin is the only member of the band I can name or recognize.


Sugarland is delightful. I'm glad "Stay" won.


Taylor Swift actually sounded half-decent. Wow.


Jennifer Hudson looks lovely. As does Nicole Kidman in the audience.


I like the Jonas Brothers. SO SUE ME.

A Letter

Dear Chris Brown,

You are adorable and I love "Forever," but if it turns out you laid a hand on my girl crush Rihanna, I WILL CUT YOU.

Sincerely,
Litigious Mind

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Friday, February 6, 2009

I Heart Dierks

So, I've always had a little crush on Dierks Bentley because:

(1) he's so freakin' cute, one of the few men who can simultaneously pull off adorable AND hot; and

(2) he's one of the only male country artists whose music I actually like.

But now he's gone and pushed my crush into full-fledged love by including a duet with the incomparable Patty Griffin on his new album. Patty Griffin, who I absolutely adore! And, I read online that she was his first choice, despite her not being a Nashville insider. Dierks, I love you! (And the photo of you with your new baby on People.com was so cute!)

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

I Heart WB, Jr.

Someone asked me a few weeks ago about my thoughts on Herring v. United States (holding that the good-faith exception to the exclusionary rule applies to mistakes made to negligent recordkeeping). She, being a fellow fan of the Fourth Amendment, seemed taken aback when I merely said, "What are you gonna do?"

But what else could I say? My favorite judicial quote, after all, comes from Brennan's dissent in United States v. Leon, the case that first introduced the good-faith exception:

"[I]n case after case, I have witnesses the Court's gradual but determined strangulation of the rule. It now appears that the Court's victory over the Fourth Amendment is complete."

As Brennan so sagely pointed out a quarter century ago, the Court's been gunning for the rule for years. How could Herring be a surprise? And, now that it's become law, how can I waste and energy being pissed about it? When Brennan and Stevens and I get together in the afterlife, THEN we'll commiserate.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Snippets From Tonight

"How can you not like Rachel Maddow? If I were a lesbian I'd be all over that!"


(Background info--there was a fundraiser for the Special Olympics at our restaurant and athletes were present.)
"It was so retarded!"
"I think it's best not to use the R word tonight..."


"To say that we can't risk prosecuting Guantanamo detainees in regular American courts is essentially saying that you don't have faith in the American criminal justice system."

Can you guess which ones were mine?

Dear Michael

Dear Michael Phelps,

Please stop pretending that the photo of you taking a hit from a bong was an isolated, one-time incident.

You see, we remember how you waxed remorsefully four years ago after you got busted for DUI before you were even legally allowed to drink.

You've thus had a chance to think about your use of illegal drugs and illegal use of drugs. The fact that you continue to use makes the public highly suspicious of the sincerity of your statement.

If you want to be an idiot and engage in illegal behavior repeatedly, that's your choice. But don't expect us to believe that these were isolated incidents.

Sincerely,
Litigious Mind