Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Ugh

Do you know what bugs me most about this commercial? (Other than the whole thing)



They describe Audrina Patridge as a "Top Rated Bikini Body."

Would it kill them to say, "Voted as having a top bikini body," or something of the sort? SHE IS NOT A BIKINI BODY. SHE HAS A BIKINI BODY.

God.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Live Blogging the Jonas Brothers Concert

Litigious Mind
Wait, I thought this was the Jonas Brothers World Tour, not John Tesh Live at Caesars Palace.

Kel
Wait! Is he giving us advice while pretending he is a zamboni driver?

Litigious Mind
This is serious. Nick is telling us how he testified in front of Congress.

Kel
I want diabetes if it will bring me closer to him!

Litigious Mind
I'll be your insulin, Nick. And you'll be my glucose.

Kel
I love how he wants us to sing. Do these songs have words? Are these songs?

Litigious Mind
OMG!!! Nick said I'M his inspiration!!!

Kel
Whatev! That was the longest infomercial I've ever seen at a concert. Will he shut up! He's ruining my image of michael Bolton coming to me through the dry ice!

Litigious Mind
If you think that was bad you've never been to a comtemporary Christian music concert, I take it. Although this is close. They do wear purity rings. Oh. My. God. Is there really a white baby grand and a giant disco ball on stage?

Kel
I thought a giant disco ball with a group of men under it meant we were at a gay bar? If so will the one int he tight shirt bring me a stiff drink?

Litigious Mind
I'm sure he'll bring you a stiffy.

Kel
I guess the sign blocking my view is for my own protection.

Litigious Mind
I think Kevin's T-shirt has a deeper V-neck than mine.

Kel
Will you buy me a rotating stage so I never have to walk anywhere?

Litigious Mind
I'll have to marry a Jonas brother before I can afford one of those. And that would make me a sex offender in most states, I think.

Kel
What about Canada? Also, poop. I just wanted to say that.

Litigious Mind
The boys are looking sweaty up there.

Kel
Those are boys?

Litigious Mind
Ouch!

Kel
Why does this little girl keep shoving her scarf in my face? Fine! I'll do a wee jig for michael jackson’s sake!

Litigious Mind
She keeps throwing us dirty looks for not being appropriately excited. Is it just me, or does Joe look like he's giving us about 60% tonight?

Kel
It's because he is busy looking down my shirt. Duh!!

Litigious Mind
Kel, I told you, if you flash the stage, that's 10,000 counts of indecent exposure in the presence of a minor. You'd better hope those don't run consecutive.

Kel
I just recorded the screaming to use as birth control later on.

Litigious Mind
Good thinking. I hope they do a Michael Jackson tribute. Hopefully Billie Jean.

Kel
Dude, do they realize that all these girls are billie jeans? (stalkers)

Litigious Mind
"See you at the finish line?" Is that code for a "happy ending"?

Kel
They did go through a large deep hole.

Litigious Mind
In the stage. Yes. Oh, they're back. And Kevin's wearing a sassy leather vest.

Kel
I feel so inspired! I think I'll go home and cancel my oprah subscription! Who knew all I needed was the jonas bros?

Litigious Mind
Ooh, Joe's standing on the piano!

Kel
He thinks he is Liberace. I wish I could see! seriously, he ain't gonna see your puffy paint sign!

Litigious Mind
Holy. Shit. "Sweet Caroline" cover. Are we the only ones who know this song?!

Kel
I think so! No one likes our bump bump bumps!

Litigious Mind
Finally a song we can sing along with!

Kel
Maybe they thought this was a michael Jackson song?

Litigious Mind
Somewhere a little girl named Caroline is creaming herself.

Kel
Neil diamond has nothing on these Tweens.

Litigious Mind
But he's "a major inspiration."

Kel
Stop bugging me! I'm busy practicing my desperate reach out arms!

Litigious Mind
WTF. Joe and Kevin are spraying the audience with firehoses. That's some not-so-subtle symbolism.

Kel
Yeah but it's a pedophile's dream come true! All those twelve year olds in wet tees?!

Litigious Mind
In their training bras.

Kel
Yep! I'm glad the girl stopped standing in front of me. Wait! Are they singing about babies? Possibly unwanted babies?

Litigious Mind
No, they're asking that we "be be good" to them. Oh, I'll be good to you, Kevin. But only because you're the only legal one.

Kel
Oh that sax! Please try again later as the gigantic sign is back!

Litigious Mind
I feel sorry for the violinists. "tell me about yourself." "oh well, I have a BFA from Julliard." "and what do you do now?" "um, I tour with the Jonas Brothers."

Kel
True dat! I bet they don't admit it!
However I would list sexual healing to the jobros on my resume!

Litigious Mind
Good luck getting past the purity rings. If Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift couldn't crack those nuts, you've got your work cut out for you.

Kel
Wait! Is this the heavens opening?

Litigious Mind
This is either Little Drummer Boy or a Civil War re-enactment.

Kel
It's worse!

Litigious Mind
Worse?!? Jordin Sparks is back! And she's singing Battlefield! (Hence the battle drums). Sorry, gotta stand for this one!

Kel
I take it back! There is a reason why she won that silly show! Did they just use their Jesus skills to make it rain inside?!!! OMG!!

Litigious Mind
I read somewhere that they're part Cherokee. Maybe that last number was a rain dance.

Kel
They're all wet. And I'm bored.

Litigious Mind
Really? I'm wet, too.

Kel
Still bored.

Litigious Mind
The bassist is super cute. I kind of want him and his sexy glasses.

Kel
What? Are we still here?

Litigious Mind
You need and attitude adjustment, young lady!

Kel
Ooooooooo!

Litigious Mind
This is an SOS! Ooooooo! I actually know this one! I am holding out for "Burning Up" though.

Kel
Ooooooo!! And a fart.

Litigious Mind
We're done here.

So Confusing

One would think that someone as intelligent as I* could manage to figure out four-way stops BUT APPARENTLY I CANNOT. What always ends up happening is I'll reach the intersection about a second after another car, and so I wait for the other car to go. But while I'm waiting, another car will approach. I just breeze through the intersection because all I'm thinking is that it's my turn to go after the first car, without giving consideration to the fact that I'm supposed to yield to the vehicle on my right.

God, even after I write this I don't know what is the correct thing to do. HOW DID I BECOME AN ATTORNEY IF I CAN'T FIGURE OUT THE LAWS AT A FOUR-WAY STOP?!






*Ironically, in a sentence that touts my own intelligence, I struggled for quite a while deciding whether to use "I" or "me." I still don't know what's right, MUCH LIKE FOUR-WAY STOPS.

I Hate Physics

Look, I know I'm a bit of a clothes horse. But surely there exists a more subtle way for the universe to tell me enough is enough.


Tragically, Bob Doll's sunglasses did not survive the Great Closet Collapse of 2009. First he loses his glasses at the Tower of London, and now this.


It's always the little ones that suffer most.

Movies Stink

Has anyone who has read "My Sister's Keeper" read any reviews on the movie? Specifically the one over at People.com? It sounds like they butcher the book!

The ending has been changed? Anna's storyline about legal emancipation is unnecessary? WTF? That IS the storyline of the book!

I am definitely not seeing the movie. I loved the book. I sobbed at the ending. SOBBED. And then I reread it a few years later AND I SOBBED AGAIN.

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Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Another Blog About Boys

I know that for someone who bemoans that fact that people with XY chromosomes don't seem to like me much, the following story is a contradiction. Deal with it.

I went for a swim at my gym the other night, and when I'm standing in the pool putting my swim cap and goggles on, the guy in the lane next to me (about my age) is looking right at my chest. Then I guess he tries to cover it up by being all, "Hi, how are you today?"

I say, "Good, how are you," to be polite, but really I'm thinking, stop staring at my boobs, jerk.

I then proceed to swim AN ENTIRE MILE, and this guy is still there swimming. It occurred to me that maybe he was swimming a lot, despite the fact that he took multiple rests, but there was a teeny part of me that thought, "Shit, I hope he's not waiting for me to stop." See, usually when I swim a mile I take a break halfway though. But I had new goggles on that didn't need defogging, and I didn't want to take the chance that the guy was waiting for me to stop, so I kept going.

Sure enough, a mile later when I stop, he stops like fifteen second later and starts chatting me up.

I guess I should be flattered that any man would be willing to show me attention when I'm wearing a bathing suit, but I wasn't. I just wanted to swim my laps and go home. And maybe that is close-minded of me, but I'm the type of gal that looks at a guy and instantly sorts him into either the "No" bin or the "Maybe" bin. This guy went into the "No" bin. I'm not sure exactly what it was that made me think that, but the fact that I felt slightly stalked was part of it.

As he's chatting me up he asks, "So are you coming back tomorrow?" GREAT, JUST FUCKING GREAT. Now when I want to swim I have to worry about this guy being there and staring at my boobs and trying to flirt with me again WHEN I JUST WANT TO SWIM. I answered honestly by saying I like to alternate swimming and the treadmill.

And guess what, I saw him today when I was leaving the gym (I don't think he recognized me sans swim cap) and he drives a motorcycle, an ugly one at that. I feel that my categorization was the right one.

Ladies, am I wrong? Is the swimming pool really where you want to be hit on? I say no. What do you say?

Mini Rant

So, before I start on my rant, let me just say that I know the two guys I'm going to rant about were just doing their jobs. Just focus on the broader point of my rant, alright? Good.

I have been trying to work out more and eat better lately. On Father's Day my parents and I went to Macaroni Grill. I ordered the "Skinny Chicken" because it is supposedly under 500 calories, and I like to stuff my face with bread when I'm at Macaroni Grill. After dinner my parents ordered dessert, and then the waiter turned to me and asked what I was having for dessert. "Nothing for me," I said. He asked again, so I said (hopefully in a light-hearted tone, but who knows, apparently I unwittingly project mega-bitch) "I didn't order the Skinny Chicken just to ruin it with dessert."

Later that week I went to Best Buy to get the new Wii Active game, and when I was checking out, the guy looked at my purchase and said, "Now your video games are expected to make you work up a sweat."

Now, I don't think either of these guys were trying to send any particular message, but it just made me think that men are weird sometimes. Women are supposed to be thin and beautiful at all times, but we're not supposed to diet or buy work-out products? Whatever. I get sick of hearing men say that like it best when a woman doesn't wear any make-up. Sorry guys, but what you REALLY mean is you find naturally gorgeous women the most attractive. Because trust me, most of us are more attractive (by male standards) when we have some kind of cosmetic enhancement. I am fairly confident that 10 out of 10 men would choose me wearing make-up over me sans cosmetics.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Epiphany

I don't know why it took me two and a half years to figure out that McDonalds puts HALF AND HALF in their iced coffees, but it did. Holy crap, no wonder they are magically delicious!

Damn you, Micky D's. Why must you taste so good but be so bad?

Monday, June 22, 2009

A Word of Advice

Did you know that it is generally a good idea to remove the sanitary crotch sticker from your new swimsuit BEFORE you put it on and head for the pool?

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Ugh

Is anyone else vampire-ed out? I know I am. I love Twilight as much as the next girl, but good lord, things are getting out of control. True Blood, The Vampire Diaries, it is too much!

Music Review

I just downloaded Holly Williams's new album, and I highly recommend it. She is the granddaughter of Hank Williams and the daughter of Hank Williams, Jr. I had never heard of her before a few weeks ago when I read a positive review of the album in People magazine.

This is what country music is supposed to sound like! Carrie Underwood and Taylor Swift need to take notes. (Although let's face it, neither one of those two are interested in traditional country music.) One of my favorite songs on Holly's album in "Let Her Go." It's just such a pretty melody.

Food Review

I love this stuff! I like to cook stir-fry in my wok, and sometimes I'm too lazy to do rice or noodles. Kashi pilaf is ready in literally one minute, and it's really tasty!

Sunday, June 14, 2009

I Hate Old People

To the fugly middle-aged woman who flipped me off today:

Fuck YOU.

Yeah, you, you ugly old hag. You cross the street at a spot with no pedestrian crosswalk, I slow down to let you pass, and you flip ME the bird? What, did I not slow down fast enough for you? Well, then cross at a crosswalk or wait for the traffic to pass.

What the hell is your problem, bitch?

Eat shit and die.

Sincerely,
Litigious Mind

Thursday, June 11, 2009

The Things You Find In the Congressional Record

Mr. BIDEN. There is no need to repeat unless the Senator would like
to repeat it.

Mr. McCAIN. Coming from someone who never talks less than 2 hours,
that is a very interesting comment.

Cong. Rec. Aug. 25, 1994.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Things I've Noticed While Watching TV

Ritter on "Clear and Present Danger"; is the Duke of Norfolk on "The Tudors." Huh.

Kumho Tires actually exists! I've seen its name written on a car on "Top Gear" It's no longer just a Supreme Court case on evidence.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

An Observation (or Three)

1. I am Goldilocks.

2. My office temperature is always set for either Mama Bear or Papa Bear.

3. There is no Baby Bear setting.

(Perhaps it's more accurate to say the settings are always either Menopausal Women or Broken AC Unit with nothing in between.)