Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Legal Writing 101

It is a good thing I'm not a judicial clerk. If I was, poor writers would suffer greatly under my influence.

For example, today I read a filing where the attorney REPEATEDLY used "Plaintiff's" when he meant "Plaintiffs." Once or twice I can forgive. I often type a possessive when I mean a plural or plural possessive. It happens. Usually I catch it about five second after I type it or catch it on editing.

But an ENTIRE legal filing with apostrophe abuse?! If I were a clerk, I would be immediately prejudiced and biased against that party. It's not okay.

Also? This attorney repeatedly failed to capitalize a proper noun. Not just any proper noun, but the party's name! Oh my God, make it stop.

The other thing that sets me off? COURT OPINIONS with improper citations. I'm not a huge stickler; if a court uses "Cal. App." instead of "Cal. Ct. App." it's not a big deal because you know what court they're talking about. But "N.J. Super." is NOT okay, because I DON'T know which court that is. Is it the New Jersey Superior Court appellate division, chancery division, or law division? THE BLUEBOOK TELLS YOU HOW TO CITE EACH, SO JUST DO IT.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Speaking of Kids...

I got an email invitation at work the other day to a baby shower for a staff member at the firm's other office; a staff member I have never met. I had my suspicions as to why I had been invited, and sure enough, I was right.

I checked, and the email only went out to female employees.

What the hell? Just because I'm female they think I want to go to a stranger's baby shower? I don't even like going to my friends' baby showers! It's such a subversive gender stereotype, but so annoying. Why weren't the men in the office invited?

I remember when my friend had a baby shower and issued the invitations as a "couples baby shower." I got all offended at first because I thought she was saying single people couldn't come. Then she clarified that just meant that men were invited and there would be alcohol. I had never really given it much thought that the defaut standard for baby showers is "No Men Allowed," but it kind of seems that way.

Well, if that email regarding my fellow employee's shower is any indication, though, "No Men Allowed" has also somehow morphed into "Every Woman Must Attend."

I know some people will think I'm being a bitch for complaining about being invited because I can always just so no thanks, but it IS annoying when the only invitations you get from people are to events where you're expected to get them a present. Especially when you've never met them!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

I'm A Horrible Person

Sometimes when I hear parents of young kids warning other parents not
to post pictures of their kids online because pedophiles are trolling Facebook profiles for photos, I think, "Pssh, please. Don't flatter yourself."

Horrible person, I know.

Monday, October 11, 2010

White Girl Problems

Ugh, I am so over #whitegirlproblems on Twitter. Sure, it started out kind of funny, because it was an acknowledgment of the incredible privilege a lot of white women have in America. But it quickly devolved into something that gives me an icky feeling.

Here are a few examples of what Twitter uses consider to be White Girl Problems:
-"My phone is fucked up... Great"

-"I was gonna work out but I'm hungry so.....oh well. I'm just gonna embrace my body and be a size 6. *sigh*"

-"I can't find a good sushi place anywhere in this town"

-"It's almost 3 a.m., and I am up looking at application's for prestigious graduate schools"

They are all bad, but that last one is especially bad. That's not funny, that's not clever, that's borderline racist. (I do appreciate the humor of the apostrophe, though.) As for the tweets that identify everyday events and call them "white girl problems," all that is doing is creating false divisions between skin colors. Do these people really think that people with different skin colors are so different that they can't share these simple experiences? It's so annoying.

It's particularly annoying because, in the hands of a clever person, #whitegirlproblems can be pretty funny. Two examples:

-"My best friend resembles Justin Bieber"

-"Maroon 5"

I just wish that the unimaginative, non-clever people would stop trying to jump on the bandwagon because all they're doing is making everyone who uses the hashtag look like a racist douche.

Palate Cleansing

After one of my Facebook friends just couldn't understand why I, an open feminist, would hate "Mama's Song," it is nice to know that I'm not alone. The person who wrote the post I just linked to is much more articulate in his/her disapproval of Carrie Underwood's latest single than I was in my semi-drunken rant from a few days ago. But essentially we're saying the same thing. It really, really concerns me that there are college-educated people out there who can hear a song like "Mama's Song" and (1) not only not have a problem with it but also (2) completely fail to comprehend why anyone would.

Anyway, between writing these posts and a Google search to see if anyone else agreed with me, it's too much time spent on Ms. Underwood. Time to cleanse the palate.

I took a short road trip this weekend, and since my car is too old to have one of those fancy iPod hook-ups, I busted out the CDs. I love listening to old CDs for the first time in a long time. On this trip I popped in Mary Chapin Carpenter's Party Dolls and Other Favorites. I had forgotten about "Quittin' Time."



So pretty. When you hear an artist like MCC, you realize how robotic and devoid of emotion some of the new singers are (like you-know-who).

Friday, October 8, 2010

For My Friend

This song is for my friend. She knows who she is.

He's Making A Fool Out Of You

I see clearly, I'm on the outside
I've been watching you fall from the start
I can't believe it, how'd you get here
I remember you when you were smart
It's not that you've lost all that now
But blind is the love that leaves no room for doubt

He's making a fool out of you
He's making a fool out of you
He's making a fool out of you
But you're still smiling

Have you forgotten, all that you taught me
Never lay down your heart for a lie
It's gonna hurt you when your eyes open
And you shed all those tears you've denied
Everyone needs someone else
But love only grows when you don't lose yourself

He's making a fool out of you
He's making a fool out of you
He's making a fool out of you
But you're still smiling

So have you forgotten all that you taught me
Never lay down your heart for a lie


-Holly Williams & Chuck Jones

Thursday, October 7, 2010

It's Been A While, Bitch

BITCH, I'M BACK.

Yeah, you know who you are. You, the blonde country music princess. Frequent subject of People.com. Known to Lainey Gossip followers as Country Bitch (because you sing country and you're reputed to be a bitch). I AM BACK ON YOU ASS.

What the HELL is this newest shit you're polluting country radio with? Mama's Song? Oh barf.

Mama you taught me to do the right things
So now you have to let your baby fly
You've given me everything that I will need
To make it through this crazy thing called life
And I know you watch me grow up and always want what's best for me
And I think I found the answer to your prayers

And he is good, so good
Seriously?! A man? THAT'S the answer to your mama's prayers for you? Gee, if I ever have a daughter, I will certainly spend my prayers on hoping she finds a man. BECAUSE THAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING A WOMAN CAN EVER DO.
He treats your little girl like a real man should
You're old enough to find a man who answers your mama's prayers, but you're still a baby girl? Give me a break.
He is good, so good, he makes promises he keeps
No he's never gonna leave
WHAT IF YOU WANT HIM TO LEAVE? I suppose that is completely out of the question. Everyone knows women never leave men. That's crazy talk!
So don't you worry about me
Don't you worry about me
You've got a MAN to take care of you, don't worry.

Mama there's no way you'll ever lose me
And giving me away is not goodbye
As you watch me walk down to my future, I hope tears of joy are in your eyes
Yes, your future is a man.

'Cause he is good, so good
He treats your little girl like a real man should
He is good, so good, he makes promises he keeps
No he's never gonna leave
So don't you worry about me
Don't you worry about me

And when I watch my little baby grow I'll only want what's best for her
Because everyone knows that what's best for a woman is a MAN.

And I hope she'll find the answer to my prayers
And that she'll say

He is good, so good
He treats your little girl like a real man should
He is good, so good, he makes promises he keeps
No he's never gonna leave
So don't you worry about me
Don't you worry about me

Mama don't you worry about me

Don't you worry about me


JESUS CHRIST. Country Bitch, you have a gift. You choose songs that trigger my Pavlovian kill response, without fail. God, I hope your ape husband dumps you.

(Yes, I'm a little drunk tonight.)