This blog post is about something really bothers me: people talking about baby girls getting married.
I don't understand it. At all. I've touched on the subject before. I'm writing about it now because of someone else's blog post where they shared a letter they wrote to their (then) unborn daughter. Part of that letter talked about how she would one day give her away to the love of her life. Before this baby was born, her parents were talking about her marriage like it was a certainty.
I... I am so flabbergasted by this. Especially now that I'm an aunt to a six-month old little girl. I think a lot about what my niece will be like. I think about what kind of music she'll like, if we'll share tastes in that. I think about what sports she might want to play. I think about what career choices she will pursue. I look forward to seeing the kind of person she grows up to be.
But I have never, ever once thought about her romantic relationships, whether she'll marry or who she will marry. It just bothers me, so goddamn much, that marital status is the first thing so many people seem to think of when they think of a person's future.
These expectations are so ingrained in our society, they literally start before we are even born. For most people, that's harmless, because they're probably get married. But not everyone will get married, and failing to live up to expectations is always, always hard. Take it from me.
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6 comments:
I just have to (somewhat) disagree. I do think making the assumption that your child will get married can be a little agressive, I don't think wondering if they will, or wondering what sort of person they may bring home some day is inappropriate.
Why is it okay to think about what sort of career they will choose, or if they will like country music like you do? What if they don't go to college or hate music? Does that make them a disappointment?
I know marriage is a much different thing than music, but seriously - it is, for those who chose it, a major thing that involves thought, time and work. It is a life choice that they may not make, but I wouldn't say that just wondering if they will do it is such an awful thing.
I know you are entitled to personal feelings on this, many of which probably stem from your experience with how certain accomplishments are celebrated with more community gusto than others, but it also kind of pushes my buttons. As your close friend, it is frustrating to me to hear you constantly undermine the specialness and challenge of something I've chosen to enter into, and which I feel can be a really great thing.
Is it for everyone? No. Do I think people should be pressured like they are to get married? Nope. But being inside of a loving relationship is awesome, and there's nothing wrong with wondering if your kids will someday share that same KIND of happiness.
I understand that some people take it too far, thinking that's the only thing that can make you happy, or that you need someone else in your life to be complete... Anything is inappropriate if taken to extremes, being convinced your child will be ____ and then forcing them down that path is certainly not okay... but seriously! what the hell is wrong with WONDERING if your kid might someday have a relationship with somebody else that may turn into a marriage?
Anyway - those are just my two cents. Blrgh.
I don't think there's anything wrong with wondering about it; it's just something I don't do. Besides, I think you're missing the point of my post. The point was that there is a pervasive, subconscious belief in our society, especially our part of the country, that a future for women must and will include marriage, and that needs to change.
Our society still holds up marriage as the end-all for women. If a woman doesn't get married, she's viewed differently and rumored about. Look at Sonia Sotormayor and Elena Kagen. Both brilliant legal scholars, both unmarried, and both subject to speculation and rumors that they are lesbians, lonely, etc. No matter what successes those women have in their lives, to many people, there is something odd about them because they never got married.
I really, really hate the idea of that mentality starting before a child is even born. I know what it is like to live outside of society norms when it comes to dating and marriage, and it sucks. Plain and simple. It sucks hard to follow what you know is right for yourself yet still face questions, speculations, teasing, unsolicited advice, etc, from everyone else and from pop culture. I've had family members question whether I was a lesbian. I've had someone at a wedding take a picture of me and my "date", i.e., the empty seat beside me. I've had my best friend tell me repeatedly that I "need a man."
There's nothing wrong with getting married, of course. But there is absolutely something wrong with imposing that expectation on everyone, including babies who are in utero.
And I will add this: I view marriage in general terms, and you view it in specific terms (yours). So when I talk about marriage, I'm not talking about yours or anyone else's. I'm talking about the status of being married. I consider those two things to be worlds apart.
I agree with your points about society pressure and how absurd it is for successful women to have their accomplishments overlooked to talk about marital status. But I didn't glean that as your original point...
You mentioned that I talk about marriage in terms of mine which is probably true, but I think you phrased this blog post in terms of your specific experience feeling like you didn't live up to expectations set out for you. But I would argue that all of us feel we haven't lived up to our parents expectations in some way. My mom probably thought it would be great if I went to med school bit I didn't. And I have heard from you that it shocks you how few of our class went on to further education.
I guess my point is that I agree with your reply about society but not with your original post as I understood it which was that certain expectations or dreams or thoughts are appropriate while others are not. We all have gaps in our lives of things we have chosen not to do or failed to achieve, and while marriage can have more public ridicule than not having multiple degrees or titles, some of us can feel just as looked down on for our own gaps as you do for yours.
For so long it's been all about the creation and maintaining of family. I actually had a conversation with a friend and told him that if my daughter was gay i hoped she would share her life with someone who was a positive influence in her life. (this person is so anti-gay i think he nearly dissolved our friendship on the spot)
it's natural to assume a child will have relationships. It's natural to assume they will be enjoy some sports, like movies, and eat icecream. Just because they don't doesn't make them a disappointment. It just makes us bad at guessing.
does it bother you "that marital status is the first thing so many people seem to think of when they think of a *person's* future."?
or is it that marital status is the first thing so many people seem to think of when they think of a *girl's* future?
it seems to me there's way more speculation about baby girls' future husbands than about baby boys' future wives. then there are all the variations on "well, daddy, she's so beautiful. you're really going to have to fight off the boys!" grrr.
either way, agree it's presumptuous and pretty damn annoying.
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